Coorie Doon - autumn equinox journal

Learning from the best place to honour wellbeing and reconnect with nature

(from The Art of Coorie, by Gabriella Bennett)

Hello lovelies,

I hope you have had a wonderful week. I’m writing the first draft of this post on a lovely Sunday afternoon, crisp and quiet in my neighbourhood.

I decided to crack on the autumn equinox journal prompts by the gentle, lovely Emily originally posted here.

Don’t forget to check out her Substack after for more grounding content you can enjoy with a cuppa.

I recently spent some time after work to dive into my previous blood workups and older journal entries. For the entries, we talk about 2019-2022, or 2-6 years old here, mainly written during the lockdown period. Not quite sure why, probably inspired by both The Body Keeps The Score (TBKTS) section about childhood trauma and my action in revisiting the past, I also browsed my old Facebook pictures from 2016.

The stark energy given by my writing was sombre and harrowing, particularly evoked by my poems.

In 2020-2021 I joined several writing classes to adjust to the increasingly stressful working from home during the you-know-what.

It’s interesting to see that the degree of pain and suffering I endured from the silent abuse and emotional stunting from my previous relationship, despite being contained in day-to-day interactions with other people, bled through my words. It painted evocative images that now I, as a survivor, couldn’t help but feel the immeasurable burden the previous Sekar had felt.

Was it because I’ve always been more sensitive than the people I surrounded myself with, so I got the short end of the stick?

Reading TBKTS morbidly fascinated me. While my interest has been continuously engaged as I wrote down the key lessons in my notebook, it couldn’t escape me that I was somewhat scared of the disturbing epiphany, that I had been severely abused in the past, too, yet my memory erased the event to protect me.

But that’s a topic for another post. I’m content with the gentle healing process path that I walk on.

Now, let’s fill in the five-question prompts.

1. What are the biggest changes you have been through so far this year? What have you learnt from them?

This year I saw an opportunity open for me to switch careers to a gentler lifestyle and better balance. I was in a rough health situation for the first quarter of this year, and I decided to give up on all the entrepreneurship stuff I’d wanted so much.

You can read more on my re-written intro post here.

A New Intro Post

It’s not just a change of job or role. While my role was new, it was the culture and responsibility that allowed me to calm down. You can imagine that I came from such a high-stress field where working during the weekend was not encouraged but inevitable simply because of no choice and an insurmountable workload.

2. What areas in your life need greater balance, and what actions can you take to achieve it?

Also from my other post below, I’m far behind in sympathetic nervous system (SNS) regulation. My immune system mirrors the level of excitability of my SNS. This is what I synthesised from various workups and old entries.

Trauma, Orthorexia Eating Disorder, and Being an HSP

Most adults in the modern world have at least a similar issue to varying degrees. But my symptoms have permeated my daily life and are capable of paralysing me sometimes with overwhelming and obsession. And what my body was trying to express but not articulated in actionable focus such as boundary setting, manifested in physical illnesses.

The first step I always do is to catch the scrupulous thought in the act. I knew that this was part of me, an entity who wanted to impose control on everything, such as my food and plan to spend the day.

My journal has slowly become more colourful. While my older entries (2022-2023) were largely brain dump, the newer ones are structured with sections of Gratitude, Daily Reading or Bible in a Year reflection, and Brain Dump.

The brain dump section is always present because it tremendously helps unravel my thoughts.

Do you remember what a Pensieve is in Harry Potter?

I visualised overwhelming as feeling too stuffy in our brain with too many things to do. My trigger is usually after a couple of days of working from home. Although I ensure my nutrition, daily steps or physical activity, and sleep routine are being met all the same on my WFH days as my office days, I still haven’t found the underlying theme of my recurring episodes of scrupulosity.

Another trigger is when I’m being introduced to sensory overload for the first time. Three experiences show the pattern.

1 - Trauma with men dictates my behaviours towards men even in non-threatening situations

A churchgoer suddenly sat next to me during a daily mass one evening and made a small talk such as what number the hymn in the book was or what the response to the Psalm was. Although I was uncomfortable, my rational brain still functioned as the manager in this situation (manager, re: Internal Family System) by keeping aware that he wouldn’t do any harm as we were on a mass.

But as I was walking back home, although not very far from the church, the same guy caught after me. I immediately stepped back and kept a distance, but then he rambled about who he was (name etc) and asked for my social media account or number.

I beat around the bush because I was conflicted:

1. he might not mean any harm

2. I didn’t want to share my contact details to a random stranger regardless from the church, even more so the one I was uncomfortable with

In the end, I caved in and gave my number and excused myself as it was overwhelming.

To God’s protection, he never contacted me ever since.

I took it as a lesson of the Holy protection to keep watch even in the place I’m drawn to and to be more assertive.

Another situation with a random male was when somebody approached me as I was waiting for a train at Haymarket station. I shared my fear and discomfort with a male friend afterwards, but he didn’t seem to understand, as he said that I could just tell off this stranger.

Well, I guess our brains are wired differently.

2 - Multiple things didn’t go as planned preventing me from enjoying the moment with new friends

It was in a restaurant-bar establishment and there were creepy tipsy men picking up on one of the ladies in our group, and I wasn’t comfortable with the eating out activity to begin with (re: my ED above).

I started overanalysing the situation, focusing on the people (partly fuelled by my ED), the time spent outside, and other details. Most of the group works in the same field I'm currently in, which triggers lingering PTSD from past experiences. My bias made the negatives seem worse, even though, looking back, it was actually a decent night out.

3 - Association between people-pleasing behaviour and the dramatic consequences caused me to step back on a supposedly fun event with colleagues

Interestingly, I placed such a hefty expectation to “perform” by enjoying the outdoor activity. It was a challenge, though, with ziplining being on the menu.

Needless to say, I felt like a deadweight to the team. The time I took as an HSP to fully understand the routine of attaching and removing carabiners was perceived to delay the team members behind me in line.

Had I been in a more relaxed setting I would have enjoyed doing it more. But my overly stimulated SNS noped it out.

I wasn’t afraid of heights (when ziplining) and I trusted the safety mechanism. However, I was discouraged by myself due to feeling like a deadweight that I couldn’t function, and I was afraid this could lead to technical mistakes which would be dangerous for my safety.

In hindsight, it reminded me of how I was verbally abused when learning to ride a bike and drive a car.

I backed out in the middle of the ziplining game.

3. What change in direction might you be about to embark on?

To coorie doon.

(from The Art of Coorie, by Gabriella Bennett)

I’d actively introduce more situations when I can practise a slower lifestyle. As it starts from the thoughts, I want to present myself with occasions to grow new neural pathways of slow living.

In the past, every day leading up to my booked annual leaves or bank holidays, I was paralysed by the options of what to do, where to go, and whom to see.

This is probably the reason why I love my holiday back in my hometown because my parents suggest something and I just go along with them. There’s zero burden to think and plan for myself.

But when I’m on my own, there’s self-imposed pressure to “make the most” of my holiday or get the most bang for my buck, so to speak. Social media worsens this FOMO symptom with friends making their holidays overseas.

It’s a game I can never win. Even if I go for the sake of experiencing what they had, I’ll still be largely alone.

Social media is overabundant with information about the ironic hidden gems which lost their status once posted, ensuring you never lack options.

This overwhelms my brain. Analysis paralysis surged over me and instead of looking forward to the coming days off work, I frantically searched and decided which the best place was to visit.

It’s not that I love working, but working is more predictable in the day-to-day routine and I always have someone to consult to, and the nature I work in has checks and balances, whereas decisions on my personal life are my responsibility alone.

The inner child in me, I sense, feels the utmost betrayal from the adult or manager in me due to the past failed relationship. The resentment and fear of men wouldn’t have lodged in the first place had the adult me made better choices.

Nevertheless, avoiding the situations where I have to decide doesn’t help, either. Incorporating my rudimentary knowledge of CBT, I do exposure therapy on my own. I booked a couple of days off during the weekends and I actively decided not to overthink my destinations.

Despite not spending hours poring over websites, I of course still ensure the places are less challenging. Balance, remember.

4. What do you need to trust more to allow this season to unfold?

That my body is capable of changes in due course.

Healing an easily excited/anxious SNS is not going to be achieved by doing exactly what aggravated it in the first place: unrealistic expectation to rush.

I’m not a big fan of the spoon theory although I understand where it came from. I relate this to SNS budgeting since I come from a finance background.

Everyone has a limited amount of energy, physically and emotionally, all governed by our nervous system. I believe my body will heal, being less reactive towards changes, becoming more resilient. In turn, she will have more capacity to tolerate changes. She will possess greater energy conservation.

As long as I give her time and facilitate the healing journey.

Note: hence my “chilled spine” attack occurs more frequently in the evening. I can tolerate cold easily as I get out of my bed. I rarely find getting out of bed a problem. But at night, as my bedsheet feels colder if I don’t turn on the heating for a wee bit, my body seizes up when I approach my bed.

Again, the rest of my body mirrors my nervous system. My skin capillaries constrict (vasoconstrict) causing the chronic Raynaud’s and chilblains.

5. Where do you want to focus your energy for the rest of the year?

Developing interoceptive awareness, a.k.a taking actions from my body signals.

So far I’ve unlocked the hidden trauma after I investigated why my vasoconstriction happened.

I used to scold my body for being weak or different from “normal” people because of the cold attacks. I wanted to tough it out.

Guess what? The inner child cried harder precisely because I irritated her even more by denying her the protection she deserved.

I kept comparing my first year here when I rarely had Raynaud’s. I glossed over the fact that a student accommodation, all the more so for a modern one with a much higher EPC rating in retrospect, was obviously warmer than whichever flat I lived after. Moreover, with the sheer number of people in an HMO building for students, all the body heat dissipated the cold.

I used to live with a friend who had 3 other flatmates for a short period during my dissertation. Didn’t feel so cold, either.

The next time I lived on the west coast, that was a poor judgment since it was always wet and more humid there.

Now on the northeast coast, relatively less rain but still humid and colder, I shouldn’t use the reference of that student accommodation for when to turn on and off my heating.

I only had a weak rationale for saving bills not for a more pressing reason but only for the sake of saving, but did I factor in the different building materials (e.g. I live in a granite building), the number of people, and human activity?

Did I take into account that my flatmate from the former flat was a man of a huge and tall build? Being a man makes him genetically different to me in responding to the temperature change. Our physiological makeup can’t be compared as a good basis to judge the comfort (or the lack of it) in the house.

Read my cold shower post again.

Alas, a rigid, black-and-white thinking on my side made me more obsessive.

I was gaslighting my inner perception of safety and comfort because I wanted to appear “normal”.

Correction: “tough”.

This is what I learned after blending in with more people. I held myself to such a high standard that in some ways compromised my comfort level and eventually, my health.

The case with the house heating system is one thing. I got another piece of evidence. My ED.

And another. My rigid prayer routine and sleep schedules. It seems that other people I know don’t find any issues with changes in their routines.

Is it due to the subconscious stoicism I fell into?

Another one. Emotion mastery. Some people I know got frustrated easily. I had even more than one from my former workplaces (yes, more than one company, meaning it’s a trait I consistently portray) tell me I was mindbogglingly patient. We had faced similar meetings but when I kept my calm and reacted professionally, they blew some fuse. Not by verbally harassing anyone else, though, but by logging out of the Zoom call and other socially accepted behaviours for frustration.

It seemed to people that I didn’t have any emotion.

Emotional numbness is a key character from a trauma survivor as I read TBKTS. Although it seemingly is unproblematic and agreeable at first, this trait provides a slippery slope where the trauma survivors start ignoring other signals from their bodies.

Case in point: cold. Tolerating overstimulating situations. Not being able to say no when a stranger asked for my number.

As I was merrily typing in my reflection, the host of the Classic FM radio I was listening to said this quote,

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.

Berthold Auerbach, a German poet

Comfortable music, cosy flat (after I regularly turn the heating on), and beautiful crisp autumn days.

I’m in the best place to learn how to slow down, live seasonally, and honour my connection with the intelligent nature.

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The Gentle Roadmap is a publication centred on a holistic healing journey. As a practising Catholic, the articles sometimes portray my layperson experience with the faith. If you like my writing and want to be notified of new posts, please subscribe (it’s always free). You’re always welcome here regardless.

Until next time,