Embracing Spring on Earth and in My Body
My journey in recovery: amenorrhea, common cold, and anxiety
Hello lovelies,
I hope you’re well. The days are getting longer as the morning sun starts sharing its gentle warmth just above 7 am and no later than 7.30 am now. I can enjoy my daily breakfast sorting through the Slack channels of my remote office with the glimmering hope of a new day. Six pm doesn’t look that dark anymore. Even though it’s sometimes cloudy here in Scotland, and the chill weather is reluctant to part ways with winter, spring marches through with intentions.
(the morning sun from my window)
(the British daffodils in the vase)
Somehow, I feel my anxiety attacks subsided. I’m not quite sure whether it’s caused by me eating more, or the weather in general as more sunlight is beneficial for our mental health. Perhaps, it’s just a perfect cocktail of different factors, from more nutrition I absorb, more sunlight, and the positive feedback loop of my healed bruises and skin problems, that I suspected were caused by the malnutrition in the first place.
I’m bored with my current breakfast which is mostly chopped celery stalks with a huge dollop of peanut butter, and a smidgen of chia pudding with ground flaxseed and berries. But given the change in seasons, should I attribute it to the livelier spring, or I’m just fed up with the same routine for the past 6 months?
(the brekkie)
Nevertheless, I welcome the spring happily.
In winter, I felt my body also overcome her winter. Topped with the ketogenic diet and daily cardio exercise, when I moved back here, my body took the brunt. I stopped menstruating normally.
Hypothalamic amenorrhea: when the body misses 3 or more cycles of period because the hypothalamus in the brain causes the period to stop. Common causes are the combination of stressors, like physical (underfuelling, overexercising) and psychological.
Come to think of it, I didn’t even menstruate properly last September – it was just the carrying over the August cycle. But as soon as I changed my dietary pattern, becoming more restrictive, it’s safe to say I messed up my cycles. A lot. The final nail in the coffin was that I lost my period in December onwards.
This entire winter I was stressed and anxious because of this. I had a history of health anxiety, so having missing periods and being not sure when I would get them back made me super wired.
People say it’s called Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, an amenorrhea (missing period) because of the hormonal imbalance caused by stress and/or undereating. That’s because undereating puts your body in physical duress. Combined with the harsh winter? Yeah . . . self-harm.
I will post more details about it in a future post, but I’m doing the best I can to nourish me back. I see good signs in my overall health, such as the bruises on my feet are healing. I hope I’ll get my cycles back.
My lunches, more complex unrefined carbs. I still stick to the whole foods plant-based.
(my lunches)
Sick Day (Half-day WFH)
Last night, as I took the evening train from Glasgow to Coatbridge after attending a Solana meetup at The Locale pub, I felt the onset of the cold worsen. It started as a runny nose 2 days before. Then, it gradually became worse after I completed my dancing workout. I normally do my dancing workout every afternoon after I wrap up the major chunks of the side hustle tasks, such as writing. The workout starts around 4 pm to 4.30 or 5 pm, following YouTube videos. I often wear socks to protect my healing feet from grazing against the carpet, just in case.
But 2 days ago, even though I wore socks as usual, my toes felt sore and my heels didn’t feel okay. Yesterday, as I was walking to get to my appointment with someone, I felt my heels scrape against the insole, even though I wore the best brand possible for trainers in regards to soft cushion for feet, Skechers.
This confirmed to me that the shoes didn’t matter, my hormones did. And as the evening drew, my cold/runny nose got worse, it somewhat confirmed my hypothesis.
It goes like this:
When I underfuelled myself with low carb and in general low calories, cortisol was high, causing all sorts of issues ranging from anxiety, cold hands/feet, bruising easily especially on feet as they’re active, my fingerpads (yes they bruised as well). I was super wired because of this cortisol, but I didn’t get sick. But my white blood cell count was low.
When I overate to compensate for the amenorrhea, I was better for a while, my bruising was recovering quickly.
But perhaps I overstepped the delicate balance of overeating, so my immune system got weakened again. Hence, the cold.
I think the balance is somewhere between 55-56kg and 20% body fat (previously I was 54kg and 19% body fat, and when the cold started I was 57kg and 21% body fat).
I hope the balance will help me with:
lowering my cortisol: so no more bruises please, bruises slow my walking down
increasing my progesterone: so the ovulation can start and later the uterine lining can shed, leading to menstruation
balancing my oestrogen: so I don’t have a hormonal imbalance that can lead to PCOS
See how delicate you must play about hormonal issues:
too much food and it leads to spiking blood sugar level and eventually PCOS,
too little and it’s gonna be just like my case of amenorrhea due to low female hormones.
too much food and it leads to spiking blood sugar level and eventually PCOS,
too little and it’s gonna be just like my case of amenorrhea due to low female hormones
Ironically, I enjoyed this morning’s sick day. I told my boss that I’d got a cold so I could only attend the most important meeting of the day (about a product proposal to our CEO, which we had prepared).
I enjoyed the discussion, it was intellectually stimulating.
Afterwards, I prepared my breakfast in the kitchen. I had a 16-hour fast to stimulate autophagy for my body to kill the illness viruses/cells. My flatmates were already up as well and we chatted in the kitchen merrily, with the noise of knives on the chopping boards or the boiling kettle.
It felt normal. It felt like a family.
Perhaps, it was the oxytocin speaking. And that’s what I need: a sense of a loving family, as I’ve been deprived of it for living too long fending for myself, whether alone or in an abusive household.
I felt warm and accepted. And I knew, I could heal far quicker in this environment.
I knew I’d been healing. Thanks to my landlord/flatmate(s).
The Old Thoughts Pattern Keeps Creeping Up
As I was typing this article (edit: not Friday, the day I edited above, but Tuesday), the old thought came back to me, asking: what if sharing my story in recovery invites negative energy from my readers, who in turn, wish me ill? This will slow down my recovery process.
This is the internal battle, somewhat cemented by my self-fulfilling prophecy that bad things happened after I shared my stories on social media. Stories such as my little success in something, an event I attended, the peace I felt from my daily slow living . . .
This makes me afraid to post something personal online.
But I can’t just not post, can I? The materials to post come from my personal experience.
Maybe, this is why I avoid being on my personal Instagram account where my friends are connected with me. I just felt that some of their energies were destructive towards my endeavour. Hence, I never post that I’m building something on my personal account.
The Tendency to Google Things Up
Ugh, I need to get better on this. Now that my physical health is improving, I look up about something else, such as whether this strategy to hide myself from the world is good or harmful to my online presence.
It’s like, my brain ruminates on itself the decisions that it has made.
It’s surreal.
My homework is then to change my belief that it’s safe to share online, not for validation, but to help people. Who knows, probably my readers here, some of you are recovering from similar illnesses that I have. Or, having self-sabotaging thoughts about posting online.
I call those self-sabotaging thoughts the shoe-droppers (from the phrase ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’). The anxious anticipation in people with anxiety comes from a low tolerance for uncertainty. Instead of the good or positive ‘what-ifs’, such as ‘what if the story I post sparks some hope for people with amenorrhea that the recovery journey is possible’, my brain goes ‘what if this person thinks that you’re seeking attention’.
And somehow I got this idea that certain people do like seeing me fall.
Instead of anticipating good things in life, our loss-averse brains anticipate bad things.
Hence, anxiety.
Instead of distracting my mind by doing something else, or facing the fear head-on by sharing the story about my health journey, I was looking this up online, in the hope that I knew what to do to stop the rumination.
All the techniques are there. I know the techniques. It’s that my mind keeps halting the healing process and self-sabotaging.
But I’m going to break the pattern with a long dance practice once I’m done with this draft. Dancing helps me to be in the now, instead of allowing my mind to time-travel.
The Way You Talk to Yourself Matters
In conjunction with the shoe-dropper thinking above, your internal monologue matters.
Your body doesn’t know the difference between your spoken words and your thoughts.
Try to change one thing at a time. Instead of saying: this looks difficult, say: this is a challenge that helps me grow.
I’m doing it for my current projects, ranging from blockchain research, the DAO, and this regular Substack.
I hope you enjoyed this snippet of my thinking, and you can cull the shoe-droppers more intentionally to live more slowly and focused.
This Week
(Friday to Thursday, since newsletter is out every Friday)
After Office Activities
Published my 4th instalment of Superteam UK Solana Pay writing research
Choir practice for Lent and the Holy Week
Participated in the Mass for the Sick
Served in the choir at the Padre Pio’s Mass
(before the mass)
About the DAO
Gave time to think about the pitch
If you’re a solopreneur and want to join the community of builders, head to our community channel of Berdaya DAO here:
Well-being
Had this beautiful vegan tzatziki prepared by my landlord
Bloated a lot because I’m still adjusting to new eating portions
Felt slumping in the middle of the week. Was it hormonal? Why do I keep attributing stuff to hormones, these days? (edit: apparently it’s because of the weakened immune system to defend against the viruses)
The beautiful tzatziki, eaten with my usual favourite protein: beans (and occasionally tempeh)
Questions
1/ How long does it take to recover from amenorrhea, given that I still do my daily dance workout, pilates, and NEAT? I up my nutrition intake, though.
2/ How can I make a Substack template? Example, you notice my signature at the end of every post. How can I automate it so that whenever I click New Post to start a post, it’s already there without me uploading it every time?
Until next week,